Music: Glassjaw again. Sorry.

Weather: Just beautiful. Too warm to wear a jacket!

Today in physics, I got it. Against my better judgement, I have allowed myself to celebrate with a double espresso. Um, this is after a Red Bull earlier today.

I just finished doing a little impromptu research on the web, though, and it looks like I'm going to be OK. I'll also be talking at about 3,454 miles an hour for the next while.

I guess I'm going to South Padre for spring break. What I'm hoping is that I can sneak in a quick visit with Miss Childhood Friend Taylor. It's been years and years - I believe over 10. Jeez. And now, the latest installment of If Jared Were President!

1. The World's Military would have all of their equipment and weapons converted to Nerf products. Just think of the possibilities! Taliban Dodgeball, Korean Nerf-Arrow Wars! Instead of an officer coming to the door of a house and saying "Sorry, ma'am, your son is dead", you instead get the mournful delivery of "Sorry, ma'am... your son is out. He was tagged this morning by what appears to be a yellow ball, which means that even the person playing the Medic can't help him. He'll have to watch from the Jail." I'd go to war in a damn second. It'd be completely rad. Nerf wars in abandoned giant mansions! That's a slice of my euphoric vision, people.

2. A Ray Gun On The Moon: Just in case. I'd want to sort of establish the "I have so much goddamned money and I'm quite threatening" thing, in case one day I decide to stop being nice and go all tyrannical and crazy. Then they'd have to send in special operation units to kill me. Nerf-style, of course. God, that'd be exciting. I'd go crazy every day.

3. A Fully Sponsered Band Tour: I'd have the most versatile back-up band ever, so that I could wake up and say "OK, folks. Today we're going to emulate hardcore and cover Deftones songs. I'm feeling it today." or "She didn't call me back. That means that we're doing Ryan Adams and Cat Power and Red House Painters cover songs." but most likely usually "Sigur Ros. Again.". The audience wouldn't know what to expect, but I'd have the federal budget to finance the entire tour. Remember Bill Clinton playing the saxaphone? Screw that. We need a president who isn't afraid to rock, instead of some fellow covering Kenny G. Think of it: "Dude, did you see the president last night?! I didn't know someone could leap that far off-stage!@#"

4. Gender Equality: For some wild reason, I'd make it so that women earn the same wages as men and aren't required to starve themselves to be classified as "sexy". What sucks is that Nerf-conversion seems more likely.

5. Adam's Camp becomes federally sponsered and upgraded: My brother's camp for disabled children suddenly becomes a whole lot sexier. The paramount vessel for entertainment at these camps is usually the ol' swimming pool or horseback riding.

Not anymore. With Adam's Camp 2.0, we'll have a giant theme park consisting (but not limited to) of rocket-propelled bumper cars, giant ferris wheels, and rehabilitation like you've never seen. I suppose the horse rides will stay, but the horses will be fed a diet of oats, cocaine, methanphetamines, and hay. My brother will also get a tailor-made suit, and will overlook the entire camp from his giant home. He'll have a balcony which he will periodically step out onto every hour on the hour for worship and tribute from adoring masses. At that time, the giant "Adam's Camp" flags will unfurl, and the logo is going to be something that at least has the sickle and hammer in it, perhaps with an "A" added on somewhere. Screw it, I'm making that logo today. I'm not saying Adam's going to be a facist leader. He'll just be an aggressive leader. And everyone will love him, if they know what's good for them.

6. Italy Becomes Capitol Of The World: Because I said so. What, are you going to cry about it? What? WHAT?

7. All of my friends get outragous raises with total disregard for the rest of the population: If Bush can give 1% the biggest tax break, then I don't see how you can piss off lower classes any more. So I'm just giving my friends millions of dollars. Whatever.

8. Two Words: MOON PARTY: After Justin's giant megacorperation liquidates and Justin has hoardes of money, we'll begin work on a giant station on the moon. It's not going to be there for longetivity, though, as most party-goers will die. It's a one-way ride and the attendees will be aware of this before they make any ticket purchases. The way the world is going, why not? Once there, they'll dock with the station and proceed to partake in whatever hedonistic persuit they feel should be experimented with in zero-gravity.

For my close friends, there's a special VIP chamber. After we self-destruct the station, there are two options:

1. The VIP room will then turn into an escape pod, and we'll go back to earth.

2. We'll accept that we're all going to die there. That's why the room will be stocked with opiates. Drugs are not the answer, but they're a hell of a way to go out. Especially when the space station is blowing up around you.

As usual, this will be corperately sponsered. We'll construct a giant neon sign that will be completely visible on earth. Nike can pay to have a giant "swoosh" symbol on the moon from the hours of 9pm-3am, and perhaps other groups like Volkswagon can have various taglines or logos on there. Then again, we're also thinking of just writing "YOU SUCK, EARTH" on it while we eat jell-o shots in mid-air.

The world will be an incredibly better place, as you can see, if you're my friend. That means that you should smile and know that you're going to have a wonderful future full of oppertunity and plush neon projectiles if you're my friend. If not, you can get started quite quickly by sending 100 dollars in 20-dollar bills to my apartment here in Boulder. I hope to get some mail from you people soon, my dear soon-to-be-friends!

for a better America and a better world,

Jared