My visit to Shannon's part of the world was great, and I think that I took a lot more away than just seeing an old friend, which was entirely unexpected. First, a little on Shannon.. she's just got so much going for her, and she's this great combination of intelligence, wit, and maturity that left me thinking furiously on the airplane home. I didn't know why my mind was racing so much, so I just got out the notepad and wrote. 8 pages later, there seemed a lot of serious introspection that yielded some new results, some which are saddening but progressive.

I hadn't seen Shannon in a year and so I had the unusual oppertunity of being able to contrast her from the 4 months that I knew her to the 2 days that I saw her almost one year later. She is, of course, not the same girl that I hugged goodbye in Italy. Everyone changes, and a year is more than enough time to take. Granted, it had been an eventful year for her. And I should add that change is not a negative thing, especially in Shannon's case. She's up and up, as far as I'm concerned.

On the flight back, in-between the recycled air and dull whine of the jets, I found myself almost wanting to pardon myself from the friend I had made in the other seat and go to the bathroom and cry - and it came out of seemingly no where. For a moment, I attributed my sadness to the fact that Shannon had changed a little, but realized that it wasn't the case because I was still a huge fan of her - rather, the sadness was attached to a sort of closure to Italy that going to LA brought. None of us are the same people that we were when we left, and I think that I always had one foot in that perpetually post-Italy section of life. That implies me being stagnant, which is not true - this year has been a year of changes, as well. But you know, it breaks my heart. Things move on even when you don't want them to.

Watching Shannon's life, I became acutely aware of how much I admired her. This is not in a sexual/date way, but being genuinely impressed with her. I always was but never got to see her outside of the scholastics that Italy had - and for someone to take that much oppertunity was something that is still reverberating with me. I expected to take home happy memories, but along with that I also have a curious stimulus to try harder and reach out further to oppertunity that I may have just squinted and waved at before.

Along with that, I've also now visited 2 friends who I hadn't seen in a while. It puts life in perspective. It's so easy at times to forget the ties that you had with some people as the years just erode memory (mine, at least). And yet I have sections of small images like Shannon and I talking outside of the post office in Italy that aren't always representative of incredibly moving moments, but the small things that matter as well. I wonder how all of these memories will sort out in 2 years like stray notes around my room. And it's so strange, really, so strange to have such a sense of loss and yet awe and happiness at one time, as if they were never meant to be tasted together. And yet, weren't they? Doesn't it make sense?

I don't want to grow up to be a boy. I want a tight group of friends and I want a promising life and companionship just like everyone else, but they never come rushing back just as soon as part of them falls out, as they will do. That span of time between when everything seems perfect can be small or large but the existance in-between is just the sutures between moments that will glow in memory like beacons at sea. It's another way of having patience. I can grow impatient but I can never stop from listening to see if, maybe, perfection decided to slide into my room without me noticing. Already, small pieces are coming back and as long as I can do my best to shelter them, I'll be OK.

This makes it sound like life is about loss, which is the inverted truth. Life is about gain - the moments in-between are not boring, but tense, and the patience to be both happy with yourself and the road you're on is the strength to fuel you. It's hard sometimes. It's hard right now, for me. But be thankful for your friends, and the oppertunities and virtues that you've gifted with, because it's up to you if you have them forever. All it takes is effort, and I think every moment of those spaces in-between should justify telling someone you love them, because just as life can be lonely or incredibly wonderful, it's finite. So take care of yourself and be aware that there's people who love you. And I know that it's frightening sometimes, but drop some walls and tell someone close to you that you care about them - the sentence takes seconds but you never know how long it will reverberate through that person, be it in that moment or days later when they're about to go to sleep or need a good word. There's just not enough of that going around, and yet people's capacity for it, believe it or not, is overflowing every day. We think we've got no place to put it, but we do. We certainly do.

"Compassion is the only virtue". -Bhuddist Saying

untied,

Jared