Erin harassed me to update my journal, so I'll respond with the proverbial slap-in-the-face of the online journaling world, which is the survey! Here's your fucking update, Erin. I hope you appriciate the online-journal equivilant of flaying my eyeballs with a fork.

MOOD: very good. I saw the Gin Blossoms last night and had an awesome time,

BODY:

1. What do you most like about your body?: The fact that I have rocket-launchers for arms.

2. And least?: My completel inability to masturbate, since I'd blow myself up potentially.

3. How many fillings do you have?: Negative, ghost rider.

4. Do you think you're good looking?: I am this generation's Johnny Depp.

5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: No, although I've got many a fine person around me that says it. It's because we're all in love. A gas station attendant said it a few days ago to me, though, which made my day.

6. Do you look like any celebrities?: No. Hollywood hates short people.

FASHION:

1. Do you wear a watch?: No, although I should.

2. How many coats and jackets do you own?: 3, I think.

3. Favorite pants color?: red-tinted leather pants.

4. Most expensive item of clothing?: I'm a thrift-store man. A simple man.

5. What kind of shoes do you wear?: Did a girl make this survey?

YOUR FRIENDS:

1. Do your friends 'know' you?: Absolutely. Some more intimately than others. I'm talking about making out. With the same gender.

2. What do they tend to be like? A bunch of jerks who swill beer at frat parties, wear their hats backwards, and put all their parents money into modding their cars.

No, they're all a band of dashing, roving poets and musicians and we have a caravan we take across the desert, promoting our wares and finding love.

3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: Yes. I can hover.

4. How many people do you tell everything to?: The person next to me at the bus stop until they move.

1. Favorite group ever?: Sigur Ros. Please.

2. Most listened to singer: Mike Doughty, I'd say.

3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?: What the hell? Of course!

4. Can you play an instrument? Yes. The guitar, and a giant harp I made out of human bones.

5. Type of music never listened to?: snobby indie-rock.

MORE JUNK:

1. Name: Jared, The Defiler and Lord of the Black Wood With a Thousand Young.

2. Do you like it?: Quite a bit, actually.

3. Nick-names: J'ed, Jared-bear, Jar-bar, JrrBrr, Dr. Nightmare

4. Screen names: Aim: JTao500

5. Age: 23

6. Birthday: July 31st, 1980

7. Sign: Leo.

8. Location: Colorado.

9. Job: Professional Assassin

10. Status: Uh. Well, I'm fine, survey. Thanks for asking.

11. Crush: Oh god yes.

12. Virgin?: No.

13. Natural hair color: dark brown.

14. Current hair color: Flaming pink with blond highlights and glitter.

15. Eye color: blue.

16. Height: 5'6

17. Birthplace: Here.

18. Shoe size: CHRIST AGAIN WITH THE SHOES WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE.

FAMILY:

1. Parents: Radical.

2. Siblings:Radical brother.

3. Live with: The rents, for now.

4. Favorite relatives: Satan himself.

FAVORITES:

1. Number: I like 14.

2. Color: Blue.

3. Day: The anniversiary of my best friend's death, although it hasn't happened yet.

4. Month: Summer, so all-inclusive.

6. Movie: Neverending Story is pretty rad.

7. Food: Some type of pasta I had when visiting dear Shannon's relatives in southern Italy.

8. Band: KILL YOURSELF.

9. Sport: Swimming.

10. Class: Ha ha! Oh, school. I remember you.

11. Teacher: Martin Kaiser, Jane Auden, or Kung-Pho Pak, who taught me to throw fireballs from my fists.

12. Drink: OJ.

13. Veggie: Avacado. mm.

14. TV station: Nah.

15. Radio station: Nah.

16. Store: Fucking hell, I don't know. I don't make enough money to shop. I have to keep buying ammunition.

17. Expression: "That, sir, is rubbish and I decline your request to my attendance to the costume ball!"

18. Animal: Dogs, all the way.

19. Guns: No.

PICK ONE:

1. Me or you: OK, this survey just took a turn for the stupid.

2. Coke or pepsi: Why poison yourself?3. Day or night: Night

4. AOL or AIM: AIM

5. CD or cassette? CD

6. DVD or VHS: DVD

7. ducatii or honda civic: HUHUHU CARS.

9. Tall or short: heh.

10. Lunch or dinner: The awkward time inbetween.

11. 50cent or NSYNC? sigh.

12. Gap or Old Navy: OMG WHAT

13. Silver or gold: What's going on here?

14. Alcohol or weed: Oh, you naughty survey, you.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS:

1. Do you have a bf/gf?: Yes. No.

2. Do you have a crush?: All the time.

3. How long have you liked him/her: Which one? Usually it's when I meet the person and they take their clothes off.

4. Why do you like this person?: Everyone has great qualities about them, except for Jesus, since he never tips.

5. If you're single, why are you single? BECAUSE I AM HIDEOUS.

6. How long was your longest relationship?: 2.5 years.

7. How long was your shortest relationship?: Well, the hooker took my watch, hence my earlier answer.

THE PAST:

1. What is the one thing you would change about your past?: The savage death of 14 innocents due to my blood-ridden hands.

2. What is the biggest mistake you've made in your life?: This survey is quickly competing for that.

5. Last thing you said: out loud? "Hey, dog!" Talking to my dog.

6. What is the last TV show you saw?: I don't know.

7. What is the last song you heard?: I'm listening to Daft Punk righ tnow. I'll put the song up for download at the top of the page.

THE PRESENT:

2. What are you doing?: Oh, I hate you.

3. Who are you talking to?: Justin, on AIM.

4. What song are you listening to?: I just told you, holmes.

5. Where are you?: In a mad billionaire's closet, with -

6. Who are you with?: Other people dressed up like chess pieces. We're all pieces in his giant human chessboard and my chances aren't looking so hot.

7. Are you online?: I... what?

8. How are you feeling?: Blind with rage and defiance.

9. Are you in a chatroom?: Just one where I can type "lol" all day.

FUTURE:

1. What day is it tomorrow?: Sunday.

2. What are you going to do after this?: Leave, check my schedule, call some babes.

3. Who are you going to talk to?: My dead dog via siance.

4. Where are you going to go?: In the long run? Most likely NOWHERE GOOD.

5. How old will you be when you graduate? This question has broken my brain.

6. What do you wanna be?: A dirty, dirty rock star.

7. What is one of your dreams? Well, last night, it was Christopher Walken chasing me through an abandoned supermarket.

8. Where will you be in 25 years? Dead and spoken of only in hushed whispers.

OTHER:

1. Do you write in cursive or print?: Print

2. Are you a lefty or a a righty?: As the functioning Hindu god of destruction, Shiva, I have many arms.

3. What piercings do you have?: A giant steel bolt through the center of my chest.

4. Do you drive?: Very well.

Thanks for reading, notorious libertines of the district of cyberspace! The shockwave from the explosion is approaching, so I'll see some of you on the other side.

Jared