It's like my life is slowly shifting into a blueprint that doesn't allow for me to operate relationships. It's like my own little trapdoors swing open sqeakily when I want to tiptoe past and ignore all my little minute pricks of problems, and slide past to get to one thing; the girl.

I want her to be so happy, and I don't want to be a sinking cause. I don't want to just sink into my own vices and die, literally, and the only thing that would make it worse is if I took someone else. No one wants to watch a shipwreck happen, but just admire the wreckage in some gallery. I'm going to try to help myself, and hopefully it'll be enough, because everything is too important for me to ruin.

That is, she's too important, I suppose.

I just want to keep above the water and get a job a life a career some sobriety some semblance of balance. Life has taken a turn and grown teeth - let me win this. She's too important.